Perspective

I really would rather not discuss this, son. I don’t want to. But I will because it’s a big thing that happened and while it does not seem to have affected you, it HAS affected me and your daddy so let’s dive in and then be done with it as I will be very happy when Monday is a distant memory that is fuzzy around the edges.

See that? That was where you were. My tiny sweet boy was RIGHT THERE. Some truck came out of nowhere and tried to eat you. All I remember is BOOM, spin and then another boom and thinking “We are going to die.” If you saw the size of the truck that did this, my boy, you’d realize that the above thought was not at all dramatic. Granted, your mama has a track record for the dramatic over statements but this? THIS is not one of them.

So yeah. That was our Monday. Long story short. You are fine. FAT. And fine. Perhaps all that cushion you have acted as some sort of deflector? Kept all the vital organs intact with its gooshiness? I don’t know. I don’t care. I just am beyond relieved/thrilled/over the moon happy that you are fine as wine. In the summertime.

Things such as this makes you think about stuff. Well, it does me and being that I am your mother, sit down and listen, damn it. We were very lucky, son. VERY. Granted, some of our so-called “luck” was self induced. We were all belted. You were in your car seat that was correctly put in and in the correct position. Even Gage was restrained. All of that played a huge part in the fact that we all walked away from this awful collision intact with nary a scrape. But all of the stuff after makes me realize how truly lucky your dad and I are.

We had our choice of hospitals to get you checked out at. We did not have to go and get substandard care because of no insurance. We were treated marvelously well and sympathetically by the EMTs and the hospital staff. They recognized an on the edge mommy who was clinging to sanity by a string and coddled me in a way that did not feel patronizing and just made me realize that I could exhale. We have a second car, that while tiny and your dad needs to be greased up in order to wedge himself in, that functions nicely. Neither of us had to miss work but if we had to? The world would have not ended. There would still be food on the table, a warm home to live in and way too much stuff in said home.

So that nightmare on Monday? It has the potential to cripple, literally and figuratively, some people – either financially or otherwise. But not us. Do you know how lucky we are? Do you get that? We are blessed son. There are a lot of people (and actually one of the other people who was in this accident with us) who were not so lucky. Not everyone has insurance. Not everyone has a job that is stable and will still be there if the worker dares to miss a day. Not everyone can walk into any hospital anywhere and get rock solid treatment for their little mens.

I’m choosing to focus on that, Jake. I am exhausted from focusing on the fact that a giant steel block on wheels was incredibly close to taking away my two favorite men. I don’t want to think about that stuff anymore, ok? So I’m focusing on the fact that what could have been a catastrophe is, for us, an inconvenience. A pain in the ass. Something to whine about.

I’ve never been so glad that all that came from a situation was a chance to bitch.

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Fine. Way to prove me wrong. Already. Brat.

I had really thought that you’d come in October. Way to make me feel like an idiot, son. I imagine you are only gearing up for embarrassing me in public by coming unglued when I’m in my happy place (Target), screaming in mass, projectile pooping/vomiting/peeing on my face when I change you, asking for Daddy when you see him even though it will be me who will be at your beck and call 24/7 (I’m already used to that from the dog) and throwing food across the room when it does not meet your exacting specifications. Is this what I am in for, kid?

Today marks one week more that I have to work. To say that I will do a very uncoordinated happy dance is not an understatement. I may even do it in the yard if the neighbors can handle seeing a very white Buddha gyrating on the lawn. That may very well force some of them to up and move but whatever. They already get the esteemed pleasure of seeing me go get the mail in a towel turban with no make up and my specs on, so I’m not sure that I have not already scared them enough to seriously consider relocating as it is. What can I say? Your mama is just hawt.

Halloween was nice. Daddy was actually home for once and here to corral Psycho Sam so that I could give the kids candy. We even got to visit with your Uncle Bart, who by the by, will be your godfather. You will love him. When he and your dad get together, it is very much like watching two 13yo boys laugh at stupid things and I do think they each lose IQ points in one another’s presence but whatever. He’s a hoot.

Well, my boy, Tuesday we get to see your little ginormous head again via ultrasound. The doc would like to see if you are at least head down so he scheduled one. I’m kind of excited seeing as how I was thinking no more ultrasounds for me. Despite my constant complaining delicate criticisms of your activities, this entire pregnancy has been rather uneventful. No odd diagnoses, no abnormal pains, no frantic trips to labor and delivery in fear that something was wrong, and thank you, sweet baby Jesus, no hemorrhoids so I suppose if you decide you’d like to take your time in exiting, I should not complain so much. But I will. Because that’s how I roll. Please get used to it.

Your dad on the other hand is very impatient waiting for you. He has been since, oh about 20 weeks or so. So yeah, when you hear him complain about how impatient I AM, I’d like this noted for the record.

Also? I know I have brought this up before, but really – the headbutts against my bladder that literally make me gasp and think I’m about to pee on myself are so not cool. So cease. Unless you’d like me to tell the first girl you bring home all about how cute you were as a kid and then show her nekkid pictures.

Glad we understand each other.

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35 weeks

Went back to your friend the doc today. Here is the run down –

*You are neither big nor small (as stated from a boy doctor who does not face having you pass through his boy bits – just wanted to point that out).
*I now get to go visit with doc every week. We are that close to your debut.
*There is not one blessed thing a chick can do to deal with stretch marks. He did say that the ones you have made on my belly are a lovely design though, so nice job. However I am sure I look so ladylike and delicate scratching at my belly right out in public as I have been doing lately.
*I have not gained an “excessive” amount of weight. Shocking and yet true. Right now we are holding steady at 24-25 pounds.
*The nurse commented on my awesome pedi. I figure if you are going to turn my already short, stumpy toes into Snausages then I may as well make them look like nicely cared for Snausages.
*As always, we heard your heart rate and it was loud as ever. You had been rather quiet all morning but once we left there, you were bouncing around while I was driving. I think you were hungry. I know I was.
*I did not have to get the test that involved swabbing and taking specimens so that was a nice surprise. I don’t like that stuff. Is no bueno.

So, 5 more weeks, dude. In some ways I feel we are ready and in others, I feel like we will NEVER be ready so why am I working so hard and why don’t I just go nap, for God’s sake? Oh right, because daytime naps are out of the question since I now wake my own self up with the snoring.

I have been working on the organizational aspects of your room. I have deduced that you have a crap ton of clothes and that for the last month or so, I have used both your closet and your crib as a catch all for stuff that was bought for you or things that were just going to belong in there at some point. Dude, it was bad. I made a lot of headway yesterday and plan to do more later. I think I figured out the pictures I want to put in there of your various family members – especially those that are far away so that you at least recognize them at some point. It sorta blows that so much of my fam is far away but it could be worse I guess, right?

Other than that, things are quiet and we are just trying to wrap things up while we wait for you to get here. Your car seat is in the truck and ready even. Daddy is ready for you to come NOW but I’d like a few weeks, so if you ARE going to come early, let’s not make it until about 38 weeks or so, okay? I do realize though that if we get all prepared and are super ready for you, you will set up camp and be like 2 weeks late.

You get the brattiness from your dad, I think.

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Half baked

Well, we hit the 20 week mark, kid. Good job. However I have a complaint. How shocking, right?

I can’t feel crap. Now granted, your placenta could be in the way. Mama’s abdomen was, even before you came along, um……fluffy? Yes, let’s go with that. So perhaps you are, in fact, kicking away in there and yet are dulled by all that surrounds you. Sigh. I wish you’d get some strength in you and really wallop me in the lungs or something. Crack a rib or something. I mean, COME ON, man up.

Now, we must discuss. Next Monday, we are going to get to see you for a good long time. We need to see genitals kid. A good shot of them too. I want to know for sure if you are an innie or an outie so that we know what to get for you. If you act like a brat and don’t let us see, it won’t be pretty when you decide to enter this world because I’ll be mad.

I got to hear your heart beat again and this time, the doc found you fast. You were just whooshing around like crazy so that was reassuring since I was nervous. Daddy could not make that appointment because him not love me he had his own doctor’s appointment to attend, so that was a first.

The cankles are still in full effect but I’ve learned to just deal with them and laugh. I mean, what else can I do? Lord knows, they are not petite even without swelling so I may as well save my energy for other things. Like eating my weight in carbs and annoying the dog.

OH. Let’s discuss weight gain, shall we? Yes. I have been so very relieved that up until now, I have not packed on the poundage. I know that later, this will be out of my control so until that day comes, I am trying to sorta keep the chunking up to a minimum. Imagine my surprise when I added like 1.5 pounds. I figured “eh” and moved on. Then within 3 days, I added another 4. NICE. So I go to the doc and he tells me not to worry because since I have gained so slowly, technically with this gain, I’m where I should be. Well, ok then. IF the man with the MD is cool with it, then bring on the Reese cups so am I. However, I weighed myself the following morning to make sure I had not added to an already busy chunked up week and the 4 pounds had disappeared. What is that about? I guess it was water weight but I was not puffy. Sigh. I don’t get what you are doing to my body, kid. I really don’t. I’m clearly not in charge anymore and you, the uterine parasite, have total autonomy.

Enjoy it now, kid. Once you come out, this is a monarchy and I’m queen.

Capice?

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Calm amidst the storm of life

I got a letter from the doc today saying that all your blood tests came back just fine. To say that I am relieved is the understatement of the year.

Now quit making me crave pickles. Cankles and sausage toes ain’t cute.

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Big fat lying liars – exposed.

Yeah, let’s just clear this crap up right now, ok? I shall list allllll the things and the old wives tales about pregnancy that I have heard and may have even believed so that maybe someone shall be helped by this – maybe even you, kid.

1. The glow. Yeah, where is it? It sure as hell is not on my face, ok? You know what is on my face? Acne. And way too much oil. Is that the glow? Because I call no fair.
2. “Morning” sickness. Uh huh. Try all damn day sickness. Again, LIES. If I let my stomach get even remotely empty, my hormones did some sort of dance in order to make me want to lay down and cry because I felt so very bad. This could come at any time of day. And yes, that does not sound like a huge deal because one could just keep eating small meals right? Well sure if one EVER FELT LIKE EATING.
3. Skin and nails and hair are all healthier from the prenatal vitamins. We have already discussed the oil slick “glow.” However, I am not sure if this is an outright lie or if my body is just one freak out. That is an absolute possibility.
4. Oh the fatigue? It passes. Still waiting for that to happen.
5. You can sleep on your belly until your second trimester at least. LIES. Due to my GI system coming to a flat out halt, sleeping on my gut (preferred way) now feels like I am shoving all of my abdominal organs into my spine. Awesome.
6. Pregnant women are beautiful. Ok. Is it the farting that is so hot? The text messaging their husbands in total glee that they had, indeed, FINALLY POOPED? (I don’t know anyone who has done this.) Is it the oil slick? What exactly is so damn beautiful? Oh, I bet it’s the gagging at various odors, right? Yeah, HAWT.
7. You may cry at the drop of a hat due to hormones. Well, no. See, I am like that normally, so of course, I did a 180 now. Now? I could stab someone soon as look at them. Yes, man in front of me who is clearly in the throes of a midlife crisis in his chick mobile, please cut me off because it gives me great joy to imagine you bursting into flames and thereby torching your new hair plugs.
8. Exercise just makes everything stay in place more and will help you during delivery. I have polled a crap ton of women who have birthed them some chirrens and they all told me BULL. There was nothing that stomach damn crunches could have done to make pulling all of their insides and bringing them outside more tolerable. Therefore, I shall be on the sofa….waving to the idiots outside running in the heat. I’ll bring water and call 911 when you fall out from heat stroke.
9. Now that one is on the cusp of becoming a mom, one will find other children even more charming. Oh my. Allow me to guffaw briefly. Yeah, bad kids are still bad kids. I still want to trip the ones I see running amok in Target (that’s my Mecca and when you mess up my peace time in the big T, I want to hurt you – it’s only fair). I still want to grab the ones who are throwing themselves down on the ground and go “Seriously, SHUT IT.” But mostly it’s still the mothers that I want to grab and go “Do you NOT hear that?” (I am well aware that this will all come back to bite me in the butt and that my kid will come un-friggin-glued in the big T one day and then I will take all this back…but until then).
10. Pregnancy stretch marks can be avoided. Really? How about the ones one has already? What can you do for those? Yeah that’s what I thought.
11. Child birth is a beautiful experience. Ummmm, really? Yeah, the mom to be can POOP on the table. That’s simply lovely.

I’m sure there are more but my brain ceased working a good 2 hours ago, so for now, I’m out.

Night night, kid. How about allowing mama to keep the urinating down to twice tonight?

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The big day

Well, yesterday we got to see you again and Jesus, you doubled in size. Good job! Clearly you got those weight gaining skills like your mama.

Anyways, we are now back a little closer to the age I thought you were and have settled on 11 weeks and 1 day today. Yeah! I personally feel as though you have been in there forever and that I have sat on this secret since God was a boy.

I have good news though. You are not making mama feel quite as much like hammered ass anymore. That’s ever so loverly so thanks. I was quite icktastic there for a while and frankly it got old. I am still super tired though. I can handle that. It was just the always feeling like I’d hurl at any moment (but never actually did, thank you Jesus) that really wore me down. I have never been more grateful to have my job than in the last few weeks. I mean how does one not love saying “Uh, yeah, it’s nap time” in the middle of the day?

So tomorrow is Grandma’s birthday and we are wrapping you up as a gift and giving you to her. She has no clue (at least I think) of your existence. Luckily I am hardly a ball of energy even on my best day so my being lazy has hardly been a huge change. We are going to dinner and telling her there. That will either keep her from losing her crap completely or necessitate me telling every single person around me “I’m just knocked up and she’s happy” because she will scream and/or cry. It’s really a toss up at this point.

Also, if you could do one thing for me – when the doctor tries to see you, STOP MOVING. He was jabbing that wand deal all over and being that I could not see the screen right away, the fact that it took him a minute or two made me a wreck. (Don’t forget – I have “the crazy” aka neurotic) Finally I went “Um, is all ok?” He went “Oh sure, baby just won’t quit moving so I can freeze a picture to measure the little bugger.”

OK, while that’s all cute and stuff, STOP IT. I do not need more crap to be nervous about, mmmmkay? Great, thanks.

If you don’t, you’re getting a beatin’.

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April 1

Your dad and I are going to the doctor today for the first time. I really hope that I get an ultrasound to see your little heart beating and see what exactly is making me feel like such utter crap.

Don’t think I won’t bring this up later to get better and more expensive Mother’s Day presents. If you have any doubt on that one, consult your dad. He will school you on that bit of your mama.

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